The words spat to no particular person at all. “Benji, if you wanted to get some cereal, then why didn’t you just ask me!” She knew the toddler hadn’t any understanding that he wasn’t supposed to climb up the pantry shelves and spill the Golden Grahams onto the floor. Even her frustration was more at the broom sweeping across the matted down fabric of the carpet. In the kitchen of all places, she wondered to herself, increasing the sweep sweeping of the tied together straws to the frayed azure tone. Why would anyone put carpet in a kitchen?
Of course, gathering from the low rental of the house, she couldn’t help but accept it as yet another flaw. The tilt of the floor at least helped maneuver the cereal across the carpet and into the dustpan. With a grunt, her back straightened and she shoved the pieces of cereal into the trash back. It was starting to get full, but that required going outside.
Grabbing her coffee-stained mug, she poured another cup, certain to burn herself as was customary. With a wince, the morning was already proving to be the usual.
She wandered through the living room where Benji was curled up on the couch playing with his tablet. Choo choo went Thomas the Train Engine. What irony it was that he was deathly afraid of trains in real life. The cup tapped against the dinner table that had moved into the room. It was the only place that she had a table currently, the rest of the house rather bare.
They hadn’t lived here very long, in fact. It was even lucky they found a house so close to their family at all. But her sister had pulled some strings and here they were, right across the street. A faint idea of visiting her sister crossed her mind, but she shoved it behind. After all, she probably didn’t want to see her anyways… and that was outside.
Her round rear dropped into the wooden chair, the seat creaking beneath the pressure. Wiggling side to side, she shoved over a pile of bills and adjusted her mug to a point where hopefully it wouldn’t get spilled. That was all she needed to happen before work.
The PC tower hummed to life and soon the monitor shone into her face. Her eyes squinted at it. This was her job, her hobby, and her social life. Drawing up the word editor, she arranged her fingers meticulously across the keyboard to prepare for typing. Again, the words came across the screen.
I wonder what it’s like not to have depression.
She stopped, staring at it. Blue had never written about her depression, and the idea brought up quite the mix of emotions. Some that she had long since forgotten. Tears and smiles both wanted to streak across her visage, but she remained diligent.
I haven’t always been this way. I don’t think. When I was a child, I used to love to run around with my friends and play hide ‘n’ seek across the neighborhood. I used to want to be around people so much that I would sneak out the back door just to have some people my age to hang out with. We’d talk well into the night and my Mom, who I know knew where I was, wouldn’t even acknowledge the fact I was gone. Not unless I stayed out after dark. I thought I was being sneaky, but I really wasn’t.
A glance passed over to Benji again on the couch. Choo choo! He glanced over, then a double take to see Blue giving a little of a smile. He brightened, wide grin offering that toothy smile. It was a sight to behold, but she needed to get back to work. Sometimes, that’s all she did.
It wasn’t until we were teenagers that sneaking out seemed to completely change. My neighbor always wanted to make kissy faces at me and me being the curious young girl that I was, I couldn’t help but encourage his behavior. Even though the thought of him actually kissing me scared me. My girlfriends told me to do it, saying that they’d already ‘gone the distance’ and had the S-E-X. But I had been to health class, I knew that meant getting STDs and having a baby. I wanted to be a mom, but I was in high school. Plus, it might hurt.
Thankfully, he found himself a girl and sure enough, he wasn’t making kissy faces at me anymore. I kind of missed it.
That was also about the time I noticed other guys acting weird too. The boys in my class started calling me fat and annoying, frustrated with my childish humor and personally offended that I walked around a little thicker than them.
Yes, everything changed in high school.
Her fingers hovered over the words, a heavy weight laying on her chest. She knew what she had to write about next, but the stubby digits wouldn’t move. Instead, she cast her glance away and onto the clock. At least she had time to go to work early. After all, they needed the money. Shoving on the headset, she tuned some music to focus and double-clicked the chat that opened her workspace.
“Hey, guys,” she typed, then navigated her browser to the website. Blue was always working on something, and in this case, it was always writing. Articles, copywrites, stories, RPG campaigns, and more. There was always something to do, and if she could get paid for it, she would. Switching back to the chat, she began her work. It was usually boring stuff such as updates the coding for a technological service or the snore-fest about another company switching to this service because it’s ‘more cost efficient’.
Must be nice to have a company, shifting around millions of dollars just to save more of it next quarter. She grumbled to herself, but even the words were empty. Blue was well aware that more money didn’t mean happiness. That was reserved for the few that realized their blessings, and an active aspiration of hers.
Another chat binged. “Hey, can you cover this news for me?” another one of her site bosses called out with urgency. It only took her a stalled second to consider the request. The topic was one that she enjoyed, but she didn’t have time. In fact, this particular job didn’t even pay but the hobby had taken a front seat in her life for so long that typing anything back but “Sure” just didn’t seem possible. The text stared at her from the screen as though criticizing her ability to follow through
The text stared at her from the screen as though criticizing her ability to follow through with the promise, but Blue knew that she’d make it work somehow. She always did.